It's a lifetime gurantee...

that Alevels will get u somewhere.
urgh.
sick and tired of all the stress.
yet i must persevere.

i realised.. i have a lot of
pressure. from everythng and
everyone around me. heesh.

well. it all boils down to me
finding a source of distress.

"i've got no motivation
where is my motivation?" - Longview

well.. my motivation lies in
me wanting a life in UNI. whee.

a better life.
n perhaps one day... a caravan..
hee. tht wld be said later in my
next post. i wrote a song... abt
him.


n i realised... for a long time
now.. that i wld never let him
go!!! IT'S A LIFETIME
GURANTEE. i wld never stop loving..
i wld never stop caring... heesh.

sounds familiar.. like some cheesy
love song. well. sometimes i have
to admit on the contrary to my
principle... thts how i am.
cheesy n eeky.

i realised this so called phenomenon
bcos even tho im disappointed
with him.. hurt by wat he does..
i still care for him.

you can erase someone from ur
mind. but not ur heart.
so its not easy... never easy.

n i also realised the way u
look at me. tht is a fact. it
cannot be hidden. maybe im
in denial or shok sendiri or
somethng. but wen 2 eyes
meet... there's no doubt abt
it.

i realised... u don relli tok
to many gurls. n i don hear
rumours bout u lyking other
gurls. so thts good..
n i lyk tht.
thnk god. never replace
me... please.. :T

Hold My Hands And Lead Me Up This Hill.

Jack and Jill went up
the hill to fetch a pail
of water.
Jack fell down n broke
his thumb and Jill went
tumbling after.

Such a simple nursery
rhyme has alot of meaning
to me. hah. i always say
tht people think too much.

n im doing the exact same
thng. contradicting my
philosophy. but... well at
least i don thnk too much
and thus go around creating
wars and tension in other
countries.

yes im referring to certain
political leaders hu just cant
make the cut. n then cause all the
disasters happening in the
world today.. like war...

well. its life.

n the key to living this is to
always be thankful for
wat we have... rather
than be angry with wat
we don have.

yeh. another philosophy of
mine. which i go against at
times. well. sometimes
emotions fill me up too much.
i cant help it. hah.

on the brighter side of thngs...
i finally felt alive once again
today! during p.e., we got to
play soccer. my fave sports!
woohoo! it was fun.

i was destressed. with all the
pressure on me now, i cant
bear it at times. always getting
emo these days. so things like
this make me happy... plus things
like: seeing him.. n seeing
tht he's happy. (staring at me,
gosh tht brings chills down my
spine.. i wonder wht his stares
mean?!)

but in general actually im
happy. well sometimes it hurts
wen i thnk of certain stuff
tht im sad abt... but at the end
of e day, im always happy. :)

so yeh.. we had soccer. den
i became high. gosh. i wished
he saw me play soccer. den
he would beam at me n be
proud of me.

or maybe not..

but hu cares... if he saw... i
wld still be happy.


hah. so yeh... soccer
was fun! finally got to play after
months of nt playing. surprisingly
i was pretty ok. i rmb all my
basics. hah.


then, tomoro me n e 'gang' r going
out to play bowling! woohoo!
happy me :) well i wld be happier
if there r More pple coming.
ahemz. well.. too bad. just the
few of us is ok. sometimes less is
more :)

yay! to marina sq we go! so we
can go makan2... n shopping.. heeh.
dono whther the guys wld like tht.

i guess they wld. n we hld have
loads of fun. somethng to really
look forward too. :D

ok...

now comes the point where explain
wht i mean by i find there's more
meaning to the 'jack and jill' rhyme.

Well.. i've always dreamt of being
in a place where there's just the
2 of us.. where it's a real utopia.
i've had a few incidences tht made
me thnk of the rhyme n why i
relate to it...

well.. once was wen in dis yr..
i dragged this guy i used to lyk
around.. (literally). as in... i held
his hand... and i just didnt care
wht pple might thnk. gosh if
HE noes abt it... wld he be jealous?

hah. well me n tht guy i use to
lyk were just frens ah. but we
used to tok alot.. n the one where
i held his hand was just one incidence
where i let loose n had fun.
'fren-fren' thng k.. sorta. well, me
holding his hand like tht brought
me into another world.

i tot of just us alone. where i can
feel perfect happiness n bliss. n
i can feel really alive. its just tht
dragging him around with me,
holding his hands was fun. cos
its something i neva done.. n
prob wldnt have dared to do
if it hadnt been for tht night,
when i wanted to let loose.

gosh. yeh.. tht was a few months
ago. sighs. wht fond memories
:) i loved those times!

n part of 'those times' was wen
my dreams n hopes didnt
crash yet. its dis guy... a great
guy hu made me thnk i stood
a chance. but then it vanished
wen i got to noe he has someone
else.

i rmb walking
with him... we were rushing...
because we forgot the time..
cldnt stop toking. sighs. :)
those were the days... n den
we went up this 'hill'.. n it
felt lyk a dream... he was
so caring.. n wen the 2 of
us were walking on it, it
felt like.. eveyrone arnd me
vanished.

n so its just the two of us.
n i imagined him holding
my hand.. n never letting
me go. making me feel secured,
with no fears.. we were like
jack n jill going up a hill...

thts wen our frenship started...
it escalated.. we became closer..
then things changed. when
he broke is thumb, when he
broke wht we had... n then jill,
me, i went down... down this
hill tht was painful for me...
cos the experience of finding
out that he has another, hurts
alot.

u may laugh at the way i
interprete the rhyme. haha.
but its real for me.

n then im in my real world
again. where there's a guy
tht i care for alot. since last
yr... den the other guys tht i
have liked before dont relli
matter to me. only HE does..

meeting them might bring
sparks back. but only one
person still remains in my
heart.

he's the one hu would
stay up all throught the
night with me... key word:
'Would'. now, we dont do
tht no more!? gosh wht has
happened. pls tok to me! :T

i miss you.

Speechless and redundant

Why was i so speechless just
now?

argh.

i will rmb this forever...

today's the day when i told
kamielah my secret. finally.

haha.

today's the day when we first
...

cant say abt tht... lets just say
i tok to him... quite awkward...

how 'dull' can life be?

i was so stumped just now.

i mean.. im happy tht it happened.
but wen i was toking to him,
i started to come bck to reality
n realise that 'me n him' is just
a fantasy.

why cant he just open his eyes
to see that i'm e one hu cares
abt him n KNOW him?!

gosh.

i still cant believe it happen.

More tho.. i'm motivated to
lose weight!woohoo.
BUT... i thnk he doesnt lyk
me.. just treat me as a fren.
so.. wats e pt..

i wanna not care abt him.
cos i have other priorities...
n i shld move on?
but feelings cant be erased just
lyk tht.

as they say:
'you can erase someone from
your mind.
but getting them out of your
heart is something else.'

im so trapped. if he wld just tell
me how he feels... but im stup
too.. i don say anythng... but
he's e guy. he shld tell me!
gosh. maybe he just
don feel anithng so yeah... there's
nothng to say.

but i wanna clear my doubt.
if he just wld tell me... i wld be
very happy... *sighs*

him lyking me too is the only
thng i've ever wanted. *sighs* :T

*he's not worth my tears*

(Life sux for me...

i'm not doing well in my studies...

not doing well in my social life or love

life...

not doing well with my hobbies/interests.

i almost have nothing! god pls save me. :I

Empty Apartment

I feel analytical...

My body is aching
My hands are trembling
i wanna die today
but i didnt
i didnt wanna

cut the crap.

heh.

im talking to fizah now...
SO exciting! (rolls eyes)

she forced me :)

no more prelims 1!
yay!

time for rest now...
woo-hoo!

pool mr.fool :)